| Aug. 12th, 2008 @ 12:16 am The irony is that Im still typing |
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Holly has been in the Philipines for two weeks, and I'm lonely. Its been a long time since I have felt lonely like that. Two, three or four years ago, whenever i felt like this i was always eager to sit down and just type. Whatever came out came out, sometimes is was crappy poetry, sometimes it was just a rant. Its just wierd to think that now, maybe a couple people will see this (Hi Corri!). I really got used to using a keyboard to vent to whomever would listen, as opposed to actually talking to people. However, I used to have long bonding talks with people too, and the problem is that I miss that also. I dont really have anyone other than Holly around to talk to on a sub-superficial level. If only i was as mobile as the Portland crew (ill come up with a better group-nickname later).
How do people make friends after college? These are the things they need to teach you before you graduate. I dont think I could ever really hang out with the people at work, cuz I mostly see them as dumb or at least just into completely different things than I am. Its really hard to find someone who enjoys talking politics, but also tries to work in thats-what-she-said jokes. But then again, thats not even what I talk about with people (except Holly, thats why I love her). Maybe this last year of penance has worn me down too much. I've really never been stripped of everything I have like this before.
Ive lost my pride, Ive lost my confidence, Ive lost a lot of money. I used to try my hardest to impress everyone that I met, in hopes of making new friends, and having people think hightly of me. Now it seems like every bit of effort I put into socializing is in trying to hang on to and maybe mend some of the shreds of friendship I have left. Its not like I blame anyone else too. I've been completetly absent from life for a year for most of them, others even longer. Then nights like tonight hit me, and all I can hope for is another season of life where my worries are of a trivial nature, and I can enjoy a faint mist while hopping in puddles. Or to have a friend that doesnt already know just about everything going on in my life that I can take a walk with, whether it be to Jack n the Box or anywhere else, and just complain about stuff and hear the sweet sound of empathy in return.
I never thought this would be my life after graduation would be like this. I hate my job. I like it really, but my job is more like a life than a job. My free time is secluded to two days on the weekend where I spend the entire 48 hours with Holly because I miss her during the week too much. Its so bad that 90% of my friends moved to one region of the country or another and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to any of them. Even worse is when I go home from my job. The people I live with are the kind of people that I will never want to be on any more intimate of level then giving them the nod while passing them in the living room. Instead my bedroom is basically a dorm room, I have a bed, a tv, and a desk, and a lot of spare time in the mornings, when everyone else is at work, and its hours before I have to either bike or walk to work depending on whether or not my bike is in the shop. I read, and I watch tv. But its all to waste time mostly (except for the olympics, thanks to DVR i can cram 12 hours of coverage into 6 hours of watching tv while packing... dont be jealous). But yeah, my room is more like a prison than anything else. But this problem is being fixed on thursday when I have to be moved out cuz guy im renting from isnt renewing his lease from the land lord. I dont have anywhere to move into... so thus starts my life as a transient. All of this seemed bearable, though, and then Holly left. No more phone calls, or text messages, theres been one email. I know what your thinking, this is either really lame or clinical. Its probably both, cuz Im pretty sure Holly is the only thing going right for me right now. Its been two weeks, and all the other things have broke me down. Two weeks is apparently my breaking point. I can push on, im sure, I just really need to pick things up... and soon |
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